First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
