You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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