obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
