I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
