There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Life is so much better after having sex.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Randomize
