I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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