Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
