Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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