i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
