even my farts smell like vagina
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
