Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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