My hand turned me down
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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