Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
