I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
