I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
