He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
