get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
