Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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