He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
