It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Did I show you my penis last night?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Randomize
