Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
