I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
