dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
