I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
