i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
