WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
