last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
