Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
