How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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