I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
