If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
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