Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
