She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
