Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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