Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
