yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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