I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
