I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
