I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
