apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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