My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
