I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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