well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
