Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
