I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
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