I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
