and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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