my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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