My sheets look like a crime scene.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Randomize
