Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
i think my cat just said my name.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
