Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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